


I hear my heart breaking tonight, do you hear it too?

by brieIarson



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29290557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brieIarson/pseuds/brieIarson
Summary: "The feeling of love is complicated because it’s hard to distinguish. You’re free-falling into oblivion with no one there to catch you; how is that supposed to make you feel safe? Maybe love isn’t supposed to make you feel safe, Eddie figured, because he’s never felt safe enough to love fully. And that’s what always got him in trouble."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 93





	I hear my heart breaking tonight, do you hear it too?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired (Slightly) by "Lady Bird" by Jesse Jo Stark and "Pink in the Night" by Mitski.
> 
> Enjoy!

The feeling of love is complicated because it’s hard to distinguish. You’re free-falling into oblivion with no one there to catch you; how is that supposed to make you feel safe? Maybe love isn’t supposed to make you feel safe, Eddie figured, because he’s never felt safe enough to love fully. And that’s what always got him in trouble. He should feel guilty for that – he does feel guilty, he’s sure of that, but he still allows himself to fall asleep at night.

He curses himself for doing so. Shannon never got a peaceful night of sleep, so why should he? He finds it selfish that he can’t even remember the dreams he has when he sleeps. She always had the most vibrant dreams; you could make movies out of her dreams. She deserved to still be able to dream – he took that away from her.

No. No, you didn’t. That’s what Buck told him, at least. Eddie found it hard to believe him at first, but every mention of it made the weight on his chest disappear. But then, he remembers that he found pleasure in someone else, and the weight reappears, like Shannon put it there herself as a constant reminder that he was going to ruin someone else.

Buck was too perfect to ruin. Eddie made that decision a year ago. Eddie could never live with himself if he ruined someone that beautiful. He had made that mistake once, and he would be damned if he did it again. Shannon kept reminding him of that. There was no room to indulge himself in that sin. He didn’t deserve that.

It would be venal of him if he did - if he stood on a pedestal and declared his love for him because Christopher could stand on the same pedestal and declare his own love, and Buck would find it sweeter, and be amused at the mere thought of it. Eddie had nothing to offer Buck except for Christopher, and Buck was so altruistic that he would accept it. And in the selfish part of his brain, Eddie could live with that. But Buck shouldn’t have to.

“Are you even listening to me?” Buck asks, waving a hand in front of his face.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I was just-”

“Distracted?” Buck offered.

Eddie shook his head. “No, the-the elephants are just really intriguing.” He said pointing to the TV.

Buck had already indulged in his own guilty pleasure, and Eddie felt lucky enough to watch it play out in front of him.

Buck laughs at him. Buck laughs at him and he is humiliated. “I paused it 10 minutes ago.”

“Oh. I’m sorry” He says sincerely, but Buck doesn’t look offended.

He turns to him, letting his side fall into the couch, looking for support. “You can talk to me, y’know?”

“I know, I know, it’s just-you don’t need to worry about it. I’ve just been a little unfocused lately, but I’ll be fine soon enough” He bargains, knowing that no answer will ever satisfy Buck’s needs.

“You do that a lot you know?” Buck askes. “You just ignore your feelings till they go away.”

“No, I don’t.” Eddie starts to get defensive. Maybe it’s because he’s right – no, Eddie knows he’s right, so he doesn’t know why he’s defending himself from the truth that stemmed from his own lips once before. It’s a prepared reaction, he thinks, to defend himself at the slight instance of an accusation.

“Yes, you do, and that’s what got you in trouble last time” Buck responds, a faint smile on his lips proving Eddie wrong. “Do you know where your feelings go when you ignore them? They don’t just go away. They go to this place in the center of your chest and it starts to build up, and it causes discomfort, so we brush it off because it’s not too bad. Until it becomes so painful that it stops you from breathing properly. And I don’t want you to be in pain, I want you to breathe. So, I’m just asking for you to be honest with me, so I can at least ease the tension for you.”

Eddie furrows his brows, looking at him. “Where did you learn that?” He asks with a small laugh.

“My therapist.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?”

“Yeah, have been for a while.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Buck sighs, fixing his position again. “I didn’t think you would be interested, y’know?” He says it like he’s trying not to accuse him of something, but he fails.

Eddie twists towards him. “Why wouldn’t I be interested?”

“Because you’re the anti-therapy guy. You like to take it out in the ring” Buck says, lowering his voice.

“That-that was a long time ago,” Eddie says. Just the mere memory of it causes his body to go tense. Maybe if he saw a therapist, that wouldn’t happen.

He gave up on Frank months ago. His sessions felt like poetry books – using different words to portray the same convictions. It became tiring to sit and listen to Frank annotate every page of Eddie’s own poetry. It was almost insulting. If he wanted to be insulted, he would’ve just listened to the nagging voice of his parents in the back of his head. Or he would finally give in to his indulgences with Buck.

“Well, I’m telling you now,” Buck says, finally. 

“Have you told anyone else?” Eddie asks, being selfish. Asking this is selfish of him, he knows this, and he does it anyway.

“Maddie, and Chim by association I guess,” He says.

That’s fair. Maddie is his sister, and whatever Maddie knows, Chim does too. That’s how it goes, and Eddie should be okay with that – Eddie needs to be okay with that.

“I wish you would’ve told me sooner” Eddie laments, lowering his eyes.

Buck notices this. “I only told Maddie and Chimney to get them off my back about my ‘COVID crush,’ I’m telling you because I want you to know,” He says genuinely.

Eddie looks up at him and nods shyly.

“I also want to show you that maybe therapy isn’t so bad as you make it out to be” He adds, which causes Eddie to let out a snort. “I’m serious. If you don’t want to talk to me, you should at least talk to a therapist.”

“I’m talking to you right now,” Eddie remarked.

Buck laughs monotonously, rolling his eyes at him. “You’re funny, you know?” He nudges his shoulder with Eddie’s. 

Just the sheer contact made Eddie’s stomach drop like it was free-falling into obscurity. The feeling sits and festers until Buck pulls his arm away. He wasn’t sure when this feeling started to develop, but he knew, in some odd sense, he never wanted it to stop.

“I meant on an emotional level” Buck clarifies, “Talking about your feelings.”

“Buck, there is nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”

“You say that, and somehow I don’t believe you,” He says, an all-knowing smile creeping on his face.

Eddie shakes his head, looking away from him. “I’m not asking you to believe me, Buck.”

“You should be,” Buck says sharply, now sounding annoyed.

Eddie turns looking at him. “What are you talking about?”

“You should be begging me to believe you because then, you’d know that I would stop asking about it. But because you aren’t, I know that you want me to ask” He says.

Eddie suddenly felt like he was being interrogated. He stands from the couch, grabbing the empty beer bottles from the coffee table. Buck, however, noticing his discomfort, doesn’t pull away. He knows he’s close to breaking the barrier of Eddie, and Eddie wasn’t sure why that would satisfy him.

“I’m not gonna get on my hands and knees and asking you to believe me,” He says, putting the bottles on the counter. “If you don’t believe me, that’s fine. But I’m telling you, Buck, I’m fine.”

Buck was antagonizing him. He maneuvered himself in front of Eddie, causing him to sigh. “I tell you everything, so why can’t you do the same.”

“Yeah, you tell Maddie, then you tell me,” Eddie mumbles trying to push past him.

“Oh, so this is what it’s about? You’re jealous?” Buck accuses him, and Eddie wishes he would stop.

“I’m not-look, I’m just saying it’s hypocritical of you to say.” If Eddie tries hard enough, maybe Buck will get angry with him and leave. He doesn’t know why, but it seems to be the better of fates.

“Hypocritical?” Buck gasps. “Eddie, where is this coming from?”

“Nothing, I’m just saying that you don’t always talk to me, so-”

“So, you shouldn’t talk to me?” 

“That’s not-never mind!” It was only Buck who could ever make him this flustered; it was only Buck who could make red spread across his cheeks – out of embarrassment or admiration. 

Suddenly, Buck frowned, and Eddie could see the gears turning in his head. His entire disposition turning on its head. His shoulders dropped, and his stern eyes fell. “Eddie, all I’m asking is that you be honest with me. You don’t have to talk to me, but you don’t have to lie either.”

“If I was honest with you, Buck, you would hate me,” Eddie says, quietly to himself hoping that maybe Buck didn’t hear him. But he was never that lucky.

“What?” Buck asks, sounding like a child who dropped his ice cream cone.

Eddie could say it if he wanted to because he knows that there would be no repercussions. Buck was too sweet to hold anything against him, Eddie knew that.

“You don’t want to hear my thoughts, Buck.” He says, turning to look at the sink, hoping that the garbage disposal would pull him in. But of course, he forgot that it’s broken. “They’re heinous things, and I don’t want you anywhere near that. So, can we be done with this conversation?”

Buck doesn’t respond, and Eddie feels at peace. He wants to feel guilty for raising his voice at him, but he doesn’t, which only adds to the tightness in his chest.

“I’m sorry, Buck. I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that” Eddie says softly, turning back around to look at him.

“I’m sorry for pushing, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or upset,” Buck said.

“No, no, you were just trying to help,” He said, “Don’t be sorry for that. Never be sorry for that.” 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They stand in a comfortable silence which calmed Eddie enough to let the heat escape from his skin. 

“If I was honest with you, you would hate me too,” Buck says breaking the silence. “They’re not as flagrant as yours, but they’re offensive enough.”

Eddie smiles. “You’re the least offensive thing in this universe, Buck.”

“If only there were true” Buck says, using his elbows to lean on the table. “I like the idea of love. It’s this force of nature that is uncontrollable; we cannot command, demand, or take away love any more than we can command the moon and stars. I don’t think I was in love with Abby, maybe just infatuated with her like we were two illusions – two flames, waiting for the other to burn out. But you and I – you and I, we’re different, aren’t we?”

Eddie feels the air leave his lungs. His stomach starts to fall again, into oblivion. He feels unsafe, so he puts a hand on the counter to keep himself from physically falling. He wants to trust Buck – completely and fully, but the terror of falling is felt alone. He wants to ask if Buck feels the same fear if he is falling alone.

“Are we that different?” Eddie asked, his mouth dry. 

“I’d like to think we are. We aren’t just an infatuation, are we?” Buck asks, so sweetly.

Eddie pauses. “No, no, I don’t think we are.”

“I can’t find a single word to describe us,” Buck says with a small laugh. 

“That isn’t offensive” Eddie quips, “To me, at least. I don’t find that offensive.”

Buck looks at him and then looks away. “Maybe whatever we are is bigger than us.”

“Is it love?” Eddie musters the courage to ask. 

Buck looks at him, and nods slowly, realization spreading across his face. “Maybe.” 

“You keep saying maybe,” Eddie says, uncertain with the choice of words. Buck has always had an extended vocabulary.

“Maybes are good, Eddie” Buck reassures him, but he still feels like he is slowly dissolving into the floor, getting shorter, getting smaller with every word – every maybe.

Maybes have never worked out for Eddie. When he was seven, he used to ask his mom if he could have a sleepover with his friend, Sean. She would always tell him ‘maybe.’ Since then, he has never had a sleepover. When he was 31, he asked Shannon if it could work out between then. She told him ‘maybe.’ And then she died, no more maybes or second guesses, just a singular choice. 

“It’s okay to be scared of them, I am too,” Buck says reaching out to him. Eddie takes his hand tentatively, with no movement, afraid that he would hurt him in some way. “But maybes don’t sound so bad with you.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Maybe.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/luvlarsons


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